Can You Hear the Bells?

Why is it that with increased frequency I hear: “well, I’m not going to marry the guy, so what’s the point?” As we progressively gain distance temporally from college, more and more twenty-somethings seem to weigh their relationships, and even first encounters, by whether or not it has marriage potential.

Sorry to be trite, but when did everyone’s clock start ticking? And at what point does the alarm go off? Can everyone please hit snooze?

An awkward truth to acknowledge, something changes after you graduate and are in the “real world” for a while. As we become more mature (for this purpose: “ma-tour”), we seek and value meaningful relationships in general, rather than blips to pass the time. In college, you were happy (and lucky!) if a budding interest lasted long enough to turn into a winter or spring formal date. Now, however, the question is a bit more serious.

It is practically an Olympic sport to meet new people, and we have little spare time aside from work hours, as I’ve talked about previously. Yet, more and more often at earlier stages of romantic escapades, I hear people say that crazy line that always is embarrassing yet bluntly honest: “well, it’s not like I’m going to marry the guy, so what’s the point?”

Marriage aside, having an inkling of serious potential with another is either there or its not. Period. For many people post-college – even if the chime of wedding bells is barely a discernable sound – the question of any sort of potential future looms ever-presently in their mind. Because otherwise, what is the point? These are not casual encounters to which I’m referring, but serious, or possibility becoming serious, relationships. Why spend a significant portion of your free time away from your friends and not meeting new people for something that you already know isn’t ever going anywhere?

All this being said, I fervently believe that to only think of the future while in the present, especially of a budding romance, places too much pressure on something that is probably not serious yet, and jinxes it. (I’m superstitious!) If something sparks, you have to run with it, not force it in a certain direction, and definitely not sit contemplating the future while your present slips away.

Finding a balance between pragmatism and romantic spontaneity is a key challenge to relationships. But nonetheless, that emphatic statement of my peers keeps reverberating in my mind: “It’s not like I’m going to marry the guy, so what’s the point?”

So Long, Summer

Yes, I am fully aware summer is just beginning, but really, hasn’t it permanently ended? These days, summer is only a reality if you make it that way. Endless days spent outside at camp are no longer handed to you, and internships sandwiched between weeks with no commitments fade into oblivion.

Life after college means working full time with little or no accrued vacation. If you want a summer, you have to fabricate one. It means capitalizing on each hour of a weekend, pushing yourself to go out one or two more nights a week than usual, and planning activities in the sun – conscientiously placing yourself into a mentality of summer. With the exception of the 4th of July, which thank you very much is a Sunday this year (naturally, I checked), there is little to celebrate and no sigh of relief at the end of finals – only nice weather that you may or may not be able to see from a window while sitting at your desk.

Summer vacation is tied exclusively to youth and down-the-road job permanence and clout; the former we are too old for, the latter is a good ways off. Retirement, anyone?

As we say so long to a literal summer as a several month vacation from reality and responsibility, we must bid hello to a new type of summer – a mental season – that is only as real, fun, relaxing, and full of time in the sun as we make it. So get crackin’!

The Catch-at-22

After graduating from college, from the time you are 22 to when you say “I do” – could not resist the rhyme – your challenge in terms of romantic interest is not merely meeting people but having each party find the time for one another. Because if you think about it – we all lead busy lives to varying degrees, and each person copes with it differently.

Between a full day of work and its resulting exhaustion Monday through Friday, trying to get in a decent gym session or run, going out with your friends, keeping in touch with your increasingly scattered social network, perhaps taking night classes for graduate school or entrance exams, all on top of wanting nothing more than to do nothing at all – when exactly are we supposed to squeeze in a date? What are you willing to sacrifice to make room for it? How do you evaluate whether this month’s interest is worth that seemingly invaluable time?

Here’s the catch-at-22 of how the war of winning someone’s leisure time plays out (or doesn’t):

You are really busy, so you treasure leisure time and try to make the most of it by prioritizing. In order for someone to win a spot in these limited free hours, a certain level of genuine interest must exist. However, you cannot ascertain your degree of interest without investing time in someone. But, you do not want to gamble and sacrifice your time for someone you aren’t sure is worth it.

So, what do you do?

The Pick-up Artist’s New Challenge

Ordinarily when going out on a Friday or Saturday night, your mission is to have fun with your crowd, blow off steam and meet people. Acquiring these new acquaintances is a game of tact – from the way you dress, how you carry yourself, being armed with witty one-liners, an up-beat energy, and whatever other personal tricks you use. Usually, we employ these devices in the pursuit of romantic interests – however, life after college pushes our pick-up artistry to a new dimension. Platonic friendship.

When you graduate from college, you leave behind built in social networks that you can tap into with ease. Meeting people in class, through a club, or in the Greek scene are friendship-catalysts of the past. You move to a city and into an apartment, knowing only the other people from your academic past that picked the same location and your co-workers – quickly understanding the historical dichotomy of isolation in an urban space.

Being social ceases to be a mere pastime and leisure activity – but now encompasses new responsibility and the need to champion new hurdles – making friends.

Perhaps at first glance this seems trivial. But think about who you know and consider to be a good friend – odds are that you met every one of them in high school, college, graduate school, at work, on an intramural team, or through one of these outlets.

To extend and expand your social network after you've finished school takes a great deal of effort – how do you make new friends – and good ones at that? It is not as though on a Friday night at a bar, you are going to walk up to a stranger and spin: “Hey there. You seem like a fun person, and I want to be your friend.” That is the epitome of awkward, and I’m embarrassed for you.

New friendships take effort, finesse, and looking in the right places. When a friend, friend of a friend or co-worker is having a party – go. Join an intramural team and grab drinks afterwards. A distant family acquaintance just moved here and knows few people? Take them under your wing, or at least give them a shot. A social situation with some sort of attendance-filter on it – such as a party thrown by even a distant acquaintance – completely changes the atmosphere, mood, and people’s willingness to be friendly to fellow partiers. Think about how you act and how you engage strangers at a house party versus at a club.

Let’s be honest. Making friends as a 20 something is not an easy accomplishment, but likely a gradual process that takes numerous casual encounters just to jumpstart. This is a far cry from when you were five and could walk up to any another bumbling infant, introduce yourself and ask if they want to be your friend. Bam! Done. Even have your parents to set up your play-date social calendar. Nearly foolproof at five, but not so much at twenty-five.

Developing platonic friendship is a tricky game, and mastery only comes if you can avoid being a complete creeper in the process. Transforming your social scene once in the real world is challenging, frustrating, and awkward – but just like new romantic pursuits – you have to create opportunities and be prepared to artfully use your bag of pick-up tricks to turn a stranger into a friend.

Wake Up and Smell the Rejection

If your rendez-vous is curtailed or flat out cancelled in the name of exhaustion, and there is no immediate post-slumber call, text or reschedule, wake up and realize that you are getting a courtesy, white-lie brush off.

Its simplicity makes it ingenious and bewildering – no one wants to believe it’s anything other than the absolute truth. It is an easy and indisputable go-to excuse. We all can commiserate with being exhausted and wanting nothing more than to curl up in bed. And besides, you don’t know the details of their week – maybe they legitimately need to pass out.

Odds are that genuine sleep-deprivation is the exception rather than the rule. The key indicator of the utterly-exhausted-but-sincerely-wants-to-see-you would be rescheduling for the near future when they could be functional and fun again.

Consider your own emotions. The way you automatically smile from simply getting a text from someone you like; the mystery and excitement of what another date will hold; and just that indescribable jolt of positive energy as a result of merely having someone that you are into and that is interested in you too.

Now, if you were tired – would you bail? Or would you suck it up, take a nap, drink coffee, or even just soar on natural, nervous- excited energy? If you are into someone, and especially if it is new, it is inconsequential if you’re sleepy because your desire to see the other person counteracts your drooping eyes.

So, if someone won’t overcome their mild to moderate fatigue to see you – snap out of your delusional coma and realize they aren’t into you.

The Pre-Date

As stories compile, it appears that there is a new trend in potential romances: the pre-date. Most people would define a true “first date” as lasting several hours, sharing some kind of meal, and maybe partaking in an activity as well. However, the majority of the time, the preliminary event is not a full-fledged date, but simply grabbing a drink or two. Sure, people call it a date for simplicity’s sake, but let’s be honest, it isn’t. It is a screening process.

The scene is casual, probably a weeknight, and although nerves may be high, pressure is low. It is a test run of how a traditional date would go – discerning if there exists some connection that is worth exploration and valuable time on a Friday or Saturday night.

The cost of the venture epitomizes its status as a precursor – there is no expectation about who pays because since it is not really a formal date, there is no dogma, and therefore no party can be offended at how monetary transactions play out. Of all the scenarios, the most likely is that one party buys the first round and the other the second, or each person simply covers his/her own.

Ultimately, the whole event is a feeler and a foundation – trying on someone in a context to see if it has potential. If it is a dud, nothing is lost but an hour or two on a weeknight that most likely would have been spent in front of the TV – and hey, at least you got that much needed after work beverage. Conversely, if there is intrigue, ease of conversation, and perhaps even a spark, then the first date gets a green light. You survived the preliminary trial, and you are ready to move onto the big leagues – an actual, full first date, which is its own ballgame with infinite rules. Game on.

A Different Kind of Freshman Fifteen

Over your first year of college, people pack on the notorious fifteen pounds due to bulk dining hall food, the sudden absence of year-round varsity sports, and stress. However, upon exiting college and starting anew in the real world, the main trend is the opposite – weight loss. The obvious reason is that the proportion of days of the week when you do and don’t drink reverses, and those gloriously terrible late night treats also decrease accordingly.

The freshly out of college desperately search for ways to fill the hours between work and sleep – escaping from reality TV and alleviating the restlessness caused by sitting at a desk all day. With notably fewer acquaintances around than in college, the easiest thing to do is go to the gym, step out for a run, or join an intramural team to meet people. We’re in great shape not just because we drink less, but simply have nothing else to do.

Like Night and Day

As a 20 something with limited work history, the need to prove yourself at the office and gently yet steadily demand to be taken seriously seems to be a work responsibility in itself. Each day you chip away at the inherent assumptions of being the baby of the working world, coming a bit early, leaving a bit late, and striving to illustrate that you are not only there to earn your paycheck, but do the job well and efficiently. From the crack of dawn until dusk, Monday through Friday, you are a responsible, intelligent, capable, and mature young adult.

However, once the sun goes down and the weekend comes – it is another story. Just like blowing off steam during your academic stead, now you loosen your tie and toss off your serious, composed, and professional demeanor to just relax. Under the streetlights, you gallivant around the city with friends – either Friday, Saturday, or both if you have the energy and willpower – escaping back into the rhythm of college culture. Hidden beneath the dark sky or in the bar with friends, with a drink or perhaps two in hand, you can simply be yourself and be in that moment.

The difference is quite literally night and day – each of us manifests two seemingly conflicting and irreconcilable personas. Arguably, this duality mirrors superheroes that cast aside their secret identities to fly off into the night. While I’m not claiming that those of us in college/matrimony limbo are crime-fighting superheroes, we certainly do battle valiantly against the awkwardness of fading youth in the face of permanent adult realities. Our generational battle warrants recognition, if not some spandex, a cape, and a baller symbol.

Techn’a what?!’ ology

Going back centuries, people squabbled over how to interact with their romantic interests. Evolving from secret love letters after chaperoned encounters, to the era of our parents where entire dorms shared a single phone. Not long ago in our own lives, you could anticipate meeting people for the first and subsequent times “randomly” at one of the few college town favorite spots or just around campus. However, life after college does not afford us this luxury. If you want to see someone, you not only have to make it happen, but first you have to pick your weapon from an ever-growing array of communicative options.

Each technology that we employ comes with its own set of rules and uses. From phone calls, voice mails, and text messages to e-mails, gchat, and facebooking – figuring out which device to use, when it is appropriate, and when to expect a response are daunting tasks. The goal: finding the balance between expressing interest and scaring off the person by showing too much too soon – a feat easier said than done, mostly because you can never be certain if you get it right until either a relationship forms or the prospect abandons ship.

With our dependence on e-mailing and texting, phone calls seem to have an unusual and unspeakable pressure on them simply because of infrequent use. There is no time to edit, pause, and evaluate – it is you “raw.” Directly calling someone can indicate confidence and interest, and curtailing long chains of texting by actually picking up the phone and getting whatever it is sorted out promptly is always welcome.

Leaving a message is typically either neutral or catastrophic. A voicemail that is succinct and casual is usually benign– neither adding nor subtracting to the phone call as an event. Conversely, a poorly left voicemail can indicate desperation, awkwardness, or frequently the desire for the recipient to shout out “we’ve got a clinger!”

If thought of in terms of currency, a phone call carries more weight or value than a text message. This exchange rate is more dramatic when a voicemail enters the equation, as the receiver of that voice message gains a great deal of communicative power. Furthermore, if you send a text message or simply call and it goes unacknowledged, after a given period of time, you can send out one more feeler. Voicemails are an end-all. After leaving a voicemail, and receiving no response – it’s over. Perhaps you can send out one last text to check, but that is permissible because you have nothing to lose.

Communicating with a new person of interest all boils down to a game of chicken. I’ve expressed my position that too much contact is usually not a good thing, and when sitting there, staring at your phone, debating if you should send an extra text message – the answer should most likely be no. There exists a seemingly epic predicament after an encounter or a conversation of how long to wait before contacting the other person again. Each party wonders when is too soon and does not want to seem over-excited. Before you know it, a game of chicken commences, and each person puts off texting/calling in the hope that the other person will crack first. Ultimately, by being the receiver rather than initiator, you do not gain strictly a sense of power, per say, but rather a reassurance that the other person is interested and was thinking of you.

If nothing else, childishly playing chicken, or whatever is your game of choice, reminds us of basic insecurities of our adolescence – even if we do not want to admit it. In keeping our feelings at bay in case they are not reciprocated, you distance and soften the blow of that rejection. A game was lost, rather than a direct and personal rebuff.

Like any social norms, these too have their exceptions. Every duo with its own dynamic adopts a version of these rules. For instance, if it is clear that both parties are interested, you probably do not need to wait quite as long before starting up another conversation or sending a casual text. However, proceed with caution – any budding relationship can easily freeze and wither if it is pushed to grow too quickly.

I must laughingly acknowledge that I think these rules and this discussion in itself are ridiculous. I wrote an entire page, and I did not even get to e-mail, Facebook, and gchat! Communicative games occupy too much time and are exhausting, creating more barriers between people than openings. Regardless, in most early relationship phases, it is a reality that we all must face.

At the end of the day, you just have to follow your instincts.

A Modern Dichotomy

In this day and age, our romantic world seems to be composed of two finite and rarely overlapping halves: hook-ups and dating. Admittedly, every so often there is a pair that moves from casual weekly meetings to something more traditional, but these occurrences are the exception rather than the rule.

As society became increasingly comfortable embracing inherent human sexuality, our generation developed its own culture of hook-ups, or whatever urban term you prefer to use. Contact is kept to Friday and Saturday nights, never before, never after, and usually only while somewhat intoxicated. Texting is the mode of communication, always casual and vague but with clear intention. Making a phone call, or the extreme of a phone call and a voicemail can be deemed aggressive or even desperate. To cease the affair, you simply stop sending or responding, and the other party gets the hint, or so you hope. Traditional gender roles may make some waves, but this is a modern era, gender equal, non-discriminatory encounter in which in many ways, you make your own rules.

However, entering the world of dating turns that of hook-ups inside out. I am sorry to say, that even in 2010, and shifting to a purely heterosexual perspective, the ball rests in the male’s court. Yes, it can be refreshing and a way to cut through the bullshit for the girl to take initiative and ask out the guy, if done in that perfectly casual yet assertive manner. But in general, the minute the girl becomes the pursuer rather than the pursued, it is over. Dating falls into traditional roles, and a girl expects confirmation that the guy is interested after the first date by asking for another, just as a girl initiating too much makes her seem clingy and over-bearing. However, one rule does apply to both parties: never show too much interest too soon, contact too frequently, or make any assumptions if you even want it to have a shot.

The fade away is a bit more complex with dating. To second date or not to second date? Can you just not respond to the text like hook-ups, or does it require more formality? Furthermore, after how many dates do you decide if it is something to pursue – and given that, how do you tell the other person or be the receiver of that dismissal?

A final note on the realm of dating is the obvious topic: who pays? I am going to give it to you straight – while the girl might not want or let the guy pay ultimately, she at least expects him to offer. Otherwise, she is left wondering if he is even interested because she apparently is not worth the price of the meal. Yes, it is an antiquated formality, but the gesture is what counts. That being said, it is bluntly rude and presumptuous when a girl sits there and expects her date to pick up the tab. Another bizarre dynamic of the world of dating.

Throughout our lives we operate within this modern dichotomy, yet needless to say, hook-up culture predominantly belongs to the years of our youthful college exuberance, whereas dating and long-term relationships are a hallmark of adulthood, as we look to settle down with one person for life. During this time in our 20s, between college and wedlock, we transition and ultimately invert our priorities to focus almost exclusively on meaningful relationships. Living with a handful of roommates or alone, with limited free hours to meet people and few nights about town to do so, you naturally wish to start spending what spare time you do have with someone meaningful.

I’ll be frank, I still do not understand this foreign world of dating, and will be the first to acknowledge that learning and executing the norms of each romantic realm can be rough. Life after college may direct this shift, but we are still young and have the rest of our lives for long, serious commitments – we’ll figure it out eventually. Besides, what is the big rush?

Age is a state of mind, not body

With New Years Eve still fresh in mind, and the several day recovery even more so, you realize that your old college stamina is just that – a relic of another time. Although your collegiate lifestyle is clearly better left behind, the speed at which your old age pounces is shocking. Suddenly, the realization dawns that you transformed from a heavy weight to light; practically nocturnal to having a mere one or two late nights a week, if you are ambitious; and allergic to alcohol – or at least your body graciously confirms for you the following days that your stamina is indeed a historical concept.

It does not take long to realize that despite clinging to a youthful zest – age is a state of mind, but not of body.

Exhausted by the end of the workday, you find yourself consistently in bed, lights out, by ten or eleven, and on a scandalously late night, perhaps closer to twelve – a schedule that was unfathomable not long ago. The era of consecutive late nights filled with studying and socializing belong to another life, gaining distance exponentially from our new reality each day. Although we may not physically look much different or be cognizant of the fact that our lives are permanently altered – we begrudgingly, excitedly, or more likely somewhere in between, continue to awkwardly morph into functional adults.

An Introduction

Senior year of college is arguably the apex of youth. Top of academia, freed from home, and surrounded by only people your age, all of whom are looking to forget the gruesome hardship of class four days a week by taking advantage of all that the local bars or Greek scene have to offer. After all, Wednesday was the new Thursday, which officially became the new Friday, considering no one had Friday classes if they could help it.

However, you graduate – and the glory and prestige of being a recent graduate from some University fades as fast as it is gained. Getting that first job is what matters, and your “experience” in college listed on your resume does not end up amounting to all that much to potential employers. Eventually, or so you hope, you land the job.

But what about the other facets of your life? You are no longer constantly surrounded by others in their 20s looking to have a good time. Rather, free time is redefined as the period between getting off work at 5 or 6 until an early bedtime. Meeting new people becomes a hobby in itself, as somehow “social networking” enters your vocabulary right alongside professional networking.

Plus, forget making new friends – how are you supposed to meet that special someone – be it a temporary or long lasting affair. The “security clearance,” if you will, of meeting someone on your campus dissipates at a random bar in the city. How do you size up the drunkard hitting on you at the bar? Plus, the rules of dating in adulthood are strange and foreign to the ways of college hook-ups, which are primarily based on strategic text messaging.

The time between college and when you settle down upon uncovering your own terrifyingly permanent happy ending in your late 20s or early 30s – although I’m sure that matrimony and a mortgage have much to recommend themselves – is awkward, challenging, and full of opportunity.

This blog will embrace the awkwardness. Because it is the things that are bizarre in life that make it interesting.