Techn’a what?!’ ology

Going back centuries, people squabbled over how to interact with their romantic interests. Evolving from secret love letters after chaperoned encounters, to the era of our parents where entire dorms shared a single phone. Not long ago in our own lives, you could anticipate meeting people for the first and subsequent times “randomly” at one of the few college town favorite spots or just around campus. However, life after college does not afford us this luxury. If you want to see someone, you not only have to make it happen, but first you have to pick your weapon from an ever-growing array of communicative options.

Each technology that we employ comes with its own set of rules and uses. From phone calls, voice mails, and text messages to e-mails, gchat, and facebooking – figuring out which device to use, when it is appropriate, and when to expect a response are daunting tasks. The goal: finding the balance between expressing interest and scaring off the person by showing too much too soon – a feat easier said than done, mostly because you can never be certain if you get it right until either a relationship forms or the prospect abandons ship.

With our dependence on e-mailing and texting, phone calls seem to have an unusual and unspeakable pressure on them simply because of infrequent use. There is no time to edit, pause, and evaluate – it is you “raw.” Directly calling someone can indicate confidence and interest, and curtailing long chains of texting by actually picking up the phone and getting whatever it is sorted out promptly is always welcome.

Leaving a message is typically either neutral or catastrophic. A voicemail that is succinct and casual is usually benign– neither adding nor subtracting to the phone call as an event. Conversely, a poorly left voicemail can indicate desperation, awkwardness, or frequently the desire for the recipient to shout out “we’ve got a clinger!”

If thought of in terms of currency, a phone call carries more weight or value than a text message. This exchange rate is more dramatic when a voicemail enters the equation, as the receiver of that voice message gains a great deal of communicative power. Furthermore, if you send a text message or simply call and it goes unacknowledged, after a given period of time, you can send out one more feeler. Voicemails are an end-all. After leaving a voicemail, and receiving no response – it’s over. Perhaps you can send out one last text to check, but that is permissible because you have nothing to lose.

Communicating with a new person of interest all boils down to a game of chicken. I’ve expressed my position that too much contact is usually not a good thing, and when sitting there, staring at your phone, debating if you should send an extra text message – the answer should most likely be no. There exists a seemingly epic predicament after an encounter or a conversation of how long to wait before contacting the other person again. Each party wonders when is too soon and does not want to seem over-excited. Before you know it, a game of chicken commences, and each person puts off texting/calling in the hope that the other person will crack first. Ultimately, by being the receiver rather than initiator, you do not gain strictly a sense of power, per say, but rather a reassurance that the other person is interested and was thinking of you.

If nothing else, childishly playing chicken, or whatever is your game of choice, reminds us of basic insecurities of our adolescence – even if we do not want to admit it. In keeping our feelings at bay in case they are not reciprocated, you distance and soften the blow of that rejection. A game was lost, rather than a direct and personal rebuff.

Like any social norms, these too have their exceptions. Every duo with its own dynamic adopts a version of these rules. For instance, if it is clear that both parties are interested, you probably do not need to wait quite as long before starting up another conversation or sending a casual text. However, proceed with caution – any budding relationship can easily freeze and wither if it is pushed to grow too quickly.

I must laughingly acknowledge that I think these rules and this discussion in itself are ridiculous. I wrote an entire page, and I did not even get to e-mail, Facebook, and gchat! Communicative games occupy too much time and are exhausting, creating more barriers between people than openings. Regardless, in most early relationship phases, it is a reality that we all must face.

At the end of the day, you just have to follow your instincts.