As a 20 something with limited work history, the need to prove yourself at the office and gently yet steadily demand to be taken seriously seems to be a work responsibility in itself. Each day you chip away at the inherent assumptions of being the baby of the working world, coming a bit early, leaving a bit late, and striving to illustrate that you are not only there to earn your paycheck, but do the job well and efficiently. From the crack of dawn until dusk, Monday through Friday, you are a responsible, intelligent, capable, and mature young adult.
However, once the sun goes down and the weekend comes – it is another story. Just like blowing off steam during your academic stead, now you loosen your tie and toss off your serious, composed, and professional demeanor to just relax. Under the streetlights, you gallivant around the city with friends – either Friday, Saturday, or both if you have the energy and willpower – escaping back into the rhythm of college culture. Hidden beneath the dark sky or in the bar with friends, with a drink or perhaps two in hand, you can simply be yourself and be in that moment.
The difference is quite literally night and day – each of us manifests two seemingly conflicting and irreconcilable personas. Arguably, this duality mirrors superheroes that cast aside their secret identities to fly off into the night. While I’m not claiming that those of us in college/matrimony limbo are crime-fighting superheroes, we certainly do battle valiantly against the awkwardness of fading youth in the face of permanent adult realities. Our generational battle warrants recognition, if not some spandex, a cape, and a baller symbol.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Techn’a what?!’ ology
Going back centuries, people squabbled over how to interact with their romantic interests. Evolving from secret love letters after chaperoned encounters, to the era of our parents where entire dorms shared a single phone. Not long ago in our own lives, you could anticipate meeting people for the first and subsequent times “randomly” at one of the few college town favorite spots or just around campus. However, life after college does not afford us this luxury. If you want to see someone, you not only have to make it happen, but first you have to pick your weapon from an ever-growing array of communicative options.
Each technology that we employ comes with its own set of rules and uses. From phone calls, voice mails, and text messages to e-mails, gchat, and facebooking – figuring out which device to use, when it is appropriate, and when to expect a response are daunting tasks. The goal: finding the balance between expressing interest and scaring off the person by showing too much too soon – a feat easier said than done, mostly because you can never be certain if you get it right until either a relationship forms or the prospect abandons ship.
With our dependence on e-mailing and texting, phone calls seem to have an unusual and unspeakable pressure on them simply because of infrequent use. There is no time to edit, pause, and evaluate – it is you “raw.” Directly calling someone can indicate confidence and interest, and curtailing long chains of texting by actually picking up the phone and getting whatever it is sorted out promptly is always welcome.
Leaving a message is typically either neutral or catastrophic. A voicemail that is succinct and casual is usually benign– neither adding nor subtracting to the phone call as an event. Conversely, a poorly left voicemail can indicate desperation, awkwardness, or frequently the desire for the recipient to shout out “we’ve got a clinger!”
If thought of in terms of currency, a phone call carries more weight or value than a text message. This exchange rate is more dramatic when a voicemail enters the equation, as the receiver of that voice message gains a great deal of communicative power. Furthermore, if you send a text message or simply call and it goes unacknowledged, after a given period of time, you can send out one more feeler. Voicemails are an end-all. After leaving a voicemail, and receiving no response – it’s over. Perhaps you can send out one last text to check, but that is permissible because you have nothing to lose.
Communicating with a new person of interest all boils down to a game of chicken. I’ve expressed my position that too much contact is usually not a good thing, and when sitting there, staring at your phone, debating if you should send an extra text message – the answer should most likely be no. There exists a seemingly epic predicament after an encounter or a conversation of how long to wait before contacting the other person again. Each party wonders when is too soon and does not want to seem over-excited. Before you know it, a game of chicken commences, and each person puts off texting/calling in the hope that the other person will crack first. Ultimately, by being the receiver rather than initiator, you do not gain strictly a sense of power, per say, but rather a reassurance that the other person is interested and was thinking of you.
If nothing else, childishly playing chicken, or whatever is your game of choice, reminds us of basic insecurities of our adolescence – even if we do not want to admit it. In keeping our feelings at bay in case they are not reciprocated, you distance and soften the blow of that rejection. A game was lost, rather than a direct and personal rebuff.
Like any social norms, these too have their exceptions. Every duo with its own dynamic adopts a version of these rules. For instance, if it is clear that both parties are interested, you probably do not need to wait quite as long before starting up another conversation or sending a casual text. However, proceed with caution – any budding relationship can easily freeze and wither if it is pushed to grow too quickly.
I must laughingly acknowledge that I think these rules and this discussion in itself are ridiculous. I wrote an entire page, and I did not even get to e-mail, Facebook, and gchat! Communicative games occupy too much time and are exhausting, creating more barriers between people than openings. Regardless, in most early relationship phases, it is a reality that we all must face.
At the end of the day, you just have to follow your instincts.
Each technology that we employ comes with its own set of rules and uses. From phone calls, voice mails, and text messages to e-mails, gchat, and facebooking – figuring out which device to use, when it is appropriate, and when to expect a response are daunting tasks. The goal: finding the balance between expressing interest and scaring off the person by showing too much too soon – a feat easier said than done, mostly because you can never be certain if you get it right until either a relationship forms or the prospect abandons ship.
With our dependence on e-mailing and texting, phone calls seem to have an unusual and unspeakable pressure on them simply because of infrequent use. There is no time to edit, pause, and evaluate – it is you “raw.” Directly calling someone can indicate confidence and interest, and curtailing long chains of texting by actually picking up the phone and getting whatever it is sorted out promptly is always welcome.
Leaving a message is typically either neutral or catastrophic. A voicemail that is succinct and casual is usually benign– neither adding nor subtracting to the phone call as an event. Conversely, a poorly left voicemail can indicate desperation, awkwardness, or frequently the desire for the recipient to shout out “we’ve got a clinger!”
If thought of in terms of currency, a phone call carries more weight or value than a text message. This exchange rate is more dramatic when a voicemail enters the equation, as the receiver of that voice message gains a great deal of communicative power. Furthermore, if you send a text message or simply call and it goes unacknowledged, after a given period of time, you can send out one more feeler. Voicemails are an end-all. After leaving a voicemail, and receiving no response – it’s over. Perhaps you can send out one last text to check, but that is permissible because you have nothing to lose.
Communicating with a new person of interest all boils down to a game of chicken. I’ve expressed my position that too much contact is usually not a good thing, and when sitting there, staring at your phone, debating if you should send an extra text message – the answer should most likely be no. There exists a seemingly epic predicament after an encounter or a conversation of how long to wait before contacting the other person again. Each party wonders when is too soon and does not want to seem over-excited. Before you know it, a game of chicken commences, and each person puts off texting/calling in the hope that the other person will crack first. Ultimately, by being the receiver rather than initiator, you do not gain strictly a sense of power, per say, but rather a reassurance that the other person is interested and was thinking of you.
If nothing else, childishly playing chicken, or whatever is your game of choice, reminds us of basic insecurities of our adolescence – even if we do not want to admit it. In keeping our feelings at bay in case they are not reciprocated, you distance and soften the blow of that rejection. A game was lost, rather than a direct and personal rebuff.
Like any social norms, these too have their exceptions. Every duo with its own dynamic adopts a version of these rules. For instance, if it is clear that both parties are interested, you probably do not need to wait quite as long before starting up another conversation or sending a casual text. However, proceed with caution – any budding relationship can easily freeze and wither if it is pushed to grow too quickly.
I must laughingly acknowledge that I think these rules and this discussion in itself are ridiculous. I wrote an entire page, and I did not even get to e-mail, Facebook, and gchat! Communicative games occupy too much time and are exhausting, creating more barriers between people than openings. Regardless, in most early relationship phases, it is a reality that we all must face.
At the end of the day, you just have to follow your instincts.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
A Modern Dichotomy
In this day and age, our romantic world seems to be composed of two finite and rarely overlapping halves: hook-ups and dating. Admittedly, every so often there is a pair that moves from casual weekly meetings to something more traditional, but these occurrences are the exception rather than the rule.
As society became increasingly comfortable embracing inherent human sexuality, our generation developed its own culture of hook-ups, or whatever urban term you prefer to use. Contact is kept to Friday and Saturday nights, never before, never after, and usually only while somewhat intoxicated. Texting is the mode of communication, always casual and vague but with clear intention. Making a phone call, or the extreme of a phone call and a voicemail can be deemed aggressive or even desperate. To cease the affair, you simply stop sending or responding, and the other party gets the hint, or so you hope. Traditional gender roles may make some waves, but this is a modern era, gender equal, non-discriminatory encounter in which in many ways, you make your own rules.
However, entering the world of dating turns that of hook-ups inside out. I am sorry to say, that even in 2010, and shifting to a purely heterosexual perspective, the ball rests in the male’s court. Yes, it can be refreshing and a way to cut through the bullshit for the girl to take initiative and ask out the guy, if done in that perfectly casual yet assertive manner. But in general, the minute the girl becomes the pursuer rather than the pursued, it is over. Dating falls into traditional roles, and a girl expects confirmation that the guy is interested after the first date by asking for another, just as a girl initiating too much makes her seem clingy and over-bearing. However, one rule does apply to both parties: never show too much interest too soon, contact too frequently, or make any assumptions if you even want it to have a shot.
The fade away is a bit more complex with dating. To second date or not to second date? Can you just not respond to the text like hook-ups, or does it require more formality? Furthermore, after how many dates do you decide if it is something to pursue – and given that, how do you tell the other person or be the receiver of that dismissal?
A final note on the realm of dating is the obvious topic: who pays? I am going to give it to you straight – while the girl might not want or let the guy pay ultimately, she at least expects him to offer. Otherwise, she is left wondering if he is even interested because she apparently is not worth the price of the meal. Yes, it is an antiquated formality, but the gesture is what counts. That being said, it is bluntly rude and presumptuous when a girl sits there and expects her date to pick up the tab. Another bizarre dynamic of the world of dating.
Throughout our lives we operate within this modern dichotomy, yet needless to say, hook-up culture predominantly belongs to the years of our youthful college exuberance, whereas dating and long-term relationships are a hallmark of adulthood, as we look to settle down with one person for life. During this time in our 20s, between college and wedlock, we transition and ultimately invert our priorities to focus almost exclusively on meaningful relationships. Living with a handful of roommates or alone, with limited free hours to meet people and few nights about town to do so, you naturally wish to start spending what spare time you do have with someone meaningful.
I’ll be frank, I still do not understand this foreign world of dating, and will be the first to acknowledge that learning and executing the norms of each romantic realm can be rough. Life after college may direct this shift, but we are still young and have the rest of our lives for long, serious commitments – we’ll figure it out eventually. Besides, what is the big rush?
As society became increasingly comfortable embracing inherent human sexuality, our generation developed its own culture of hook-ups, or whatever urban term you prefer to use. Contact is kept to Friday and Saturday nights, never before, never after, and usually only while somewhat intoxicated. Texting is the mode of communication, always casual and vague but with clear intention. Making a phone call, or the extreme of a phone call and a voicemail can be deemed aggressive or even desperate. To cease the affair, you simply stop sending or responding, and the other party gets the hint, or so you hope. Traditional gender roles may make some waves, but this is a modern era, gender equal, non-discriminatory encounter in which in many ways, you make your own rules.
However, entering the world of dating turns that of hook-ups inside out. I am sorry to say, that even in 2010, and shifting to a purely heterosexual perspective, the ball rests in the male’s court. Yes, it can be refreshing and a way to cut through the bullshit for the girl to take initiative and ask out the guy, if done in that perfectly casual yet assertive manner. But in general, the minute the girl becomes the pursuer rather than the pursued, it is over. Dating falls into traditional roles, and a girl expects confirmation that the guy is interested after the first date by asking for another, just as a girl initiating too much makes her seem clingy and over-bearing. However, one rule does apply to both parties: never show too much interest too soon, contact too frequently, or make any assumptions if you even want it to have a shot.
The fade away is a bit more complex with dating. To second date or not to second date? Can you just not respond to the text like hook-ups, or does it require more formality? Furthermore, after how many dates do you decide if it is something to pursue – and given that, how do you tell the other person or be the receiver of that dismissal?
A final note on the realm of dating is the obvious topic: who pays? I am going to give it to you straight – while the girl might not want or let the guy pay ultimately, she at least expects him to offer. Otherwise, she is left wondering if he is even interested because she apparently is not worth the price of the meal. Yes, it is an antiquated formality, but the gesture is what counts. That being said, it is bluntly rude and presumptuous when a girl sits there and expects her date to pick up the tab. Another bizarre dynamic of the world of dating.
Throughout our lives we operate within this modern dichotomy, yet needless to say, hook-up culture predominantly belongs to the years of our youthful college exuberance, whereas dating and long-term relationships are a hallmark of adulthood, as we look to settle down with one person for life. During this time in our 20s, between college and wedlock, we transition and ultimately invert our priorities to focus almost exclusively on meaningful relationships. Living with a handful of roommates or alone, with limited free hours to meet people and few nights about town to do so, you naturally wish to start spending what spare time you do have with someone meaningful.
I’ll be frank, I still do not understand this foreign world of dating, and will be the first to acknowledge that learning and executing the norms of each romantic realm can be rough. Life after college may direct this shift, but we are still young and have the rest of our lives for long, serious commitments – we’ll figure it out eventually. Besides, what is the big rush?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Age is a state of mind, not body
With New Years Eve still fresh in mind, and the several day recovery even more so, you realize that your old college stamina is just that – a relic of another time. Although your collegiate lifestyle is clearly better left behind, the speed at which your old age pounces is shocking. Suddenly, the realization dawns that you transformed from a heavy weight to light; practically nocturnal to having a mere one or two late nights a week, if you are ambitious; and allergic to alcohol – or at least your body graciously confirms for you the following days that your stamina is indeed a historical concept.
It does not take long to realize that despite clinging to a youthful zest – age is a state of mind, but not of body.
Exhausted by the end of the workday, you find yourself consistently in bed, lights out, by ten or eleven, and on a scandalously late night, perhaps closer to twelve – a schedule that was unfathomable not long ago. The era of consecutive late nights filled with studying and socializing belong to another life, gaining distance exponentially from our new reality each day. Although we may not physically look much different or be cognizant of the fact that our lives are permanently altered – we begrudgingly, excitedly, or more likely somewhere in between, continue to awkwardly morph into functional adults.
It does not take long to realize that despite clinging to a youthful zest – age is a state of mind, but not of body.
Exhausted by the end of the workday, you find yourself consistently in bed, lights out, by ten or eleven, and on a scandalously late night, perhaps closer to twelve – a schedule that was unfathomable not long ago. The era of consecutive late nights filled with studying and socializing belong to another life, gaining distance exponentially from our new reality each day. Although we may not physically look much different or be cognizant of the fact that our lives are permanently altered – we begrudgingly, excitedly, or more likely somewhere in between, continue to awkwardly morph into functional adults.
Monday, January 4, 2010
An Introduction
Senior year of college is arguably the apex of youth. Top of academia, freed from home, and surrounded by only people your age, all of whom are looking to forget the gruesome hardship of class four days a week by taking advantage of all that the local bars or Greek scene have to offer. After all, Wednesday was the new Thursday, which officially became the new Friday, considering no one had Friday classes if they could help it.
However, you graduate – and the glory and prestige of being a recent graduate from some University fades as fast as it is gained. Getting that first job is what matters, and your “experience” in college listed on your resume does not end up amounting to all that much to potential employers. Eventually, or so you hope, you land the job.
But what about the other facets of your life? You are no longer constantly surrounded by others in their 20s looking to have a good time. Rather, free time is redefined as the period between getting off work at 5 or 6 until an early bedtime. Meeting new people becomes a hobby in itself, as somehow “social networking” enters your vocabulary right alongside professional networking.
Plus, forget making new friends – how are you supposed to meet that special someone – be it a temporary or long lasting affair. The “security clearance,” if you will, of meeting someone on your campus dissipates at a random bar in the city. How do you size up the drunkard hitting on you at the bar? Plus, the rules of dating in adulthood are strange and foreign to the ways of college hook-ups, which are primarily based on strategic text messaging.
The time between college and when you settle down upon uncovering your own terrifyingly permanent happy ending in your late 20s or early 30s – although I’m sure that matrimony and a mortgage have much to recommend themselves – is awkward, challenging, and full of opportunity.
This blog will embrace the awkwardness. Because it is the things that are bizarre in life that make it interesting.
However, you graduate – and the glory and prestige of being a recent graduate from some University fades as fast as it is gained. Getting that first job is what matters, and your “experience” in college listed on your resume does not end up amounting to all that much to potential employers. Eventually, or so you hope, you land the job.
But what about the other facets of your life? You are no longer constantly surrounded by others in their 20s looking to have a good time. Rather, free time is redefined as the period between getting off work at 5 or 6 until an early bedtime. Meeting new people becomes a hobby in itself, as somehow “social networking” enters your vocabulary right alongside professional networking.
Plus, forget making new friends – how are you supposed to meet that special someone – be it a temporary or long lasting affair. The “security clearance,” if you will, of meeting someone on your campus dissipates at a random bar in the city. How do you size up the drunkard hitting on you at the bar? Plus, the rules of dating in adulthood are strange and foreign to the ways of college hook-ups, which are primarily based on strategic text messaging.
The time between college and when you settle down upon uncovering your own terrifyingly permanent happy ending in your late 20s or early 30s – although I’m sure that matrimony and a mortgage have much to recommend themselves – is awkward, challenging, and full of opportunity.
This blog will embrace the awkwardness. Because it is the things that are bizarre in life that make it interesting.
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