A Modern Dichotomy

In this day and age, our romantic world seems to be composed of two finite and rarely overlapping halves: hook-ups and dating. Admittedly, every so often there is a pair that moves from casual weekly meetings to something more traditional, but these occurrences are the exception rather than the rule.

As society became increasingly comfortable embracing inherent human sexuality, our generation developed its own culture of hook-ups, or whatever urban term you prefer to use. Contact is kept to Friday and Saturday nights, never before, never after, and usually only while somewhat intoxicated. Texting is the mode of communication, always casual and vague but with clear intention. Making a phone call, or the extreme of a phone call and a voicemail can be deemed aggressive or even desperate. To cease the affair, you simply stop sending or responding, and the other party gets the hint, or so you hope. Traditional gender roles may make some waves, but this is a modern era, gender equal, non-discriminatory encounter in which in many ways, you make your own rules.

However, entering the world of dating turns that of hook-ups inside out. I am sorry to say, that even in 2010, and shifting to a purely heterosexual perspective, the ball rests in the male’s court. Yes, it can be refreshing and a way to cut through the bullshit for the girl to take initiative and ask out the guy, if done in that perfectly casual yet assertive manner. But in general, the minute the girl becomes the pursuer rather than the pursued, it is over. Dating falls into traditional roles, and a girl expects confirmation that the guy is interested after the first date by asking for another, just as a girl initiating too much makes her seem clingy and over-bearing. However, one rule does apply to both parties: never show too much interest too soon, contact too frequently, or make any assumptions if you even want it to have a shot.

The fade away is a bit more complex with dating. To second date or not to second date? Can you just not respond to the text like hook-ups, or does it require more formality? Furthermore, after how many dates do you decide if it is something to pursue – and given that, how do you tell the other person or be the receiver of that dismissal?

A final note on the realm of dating is the obvious topic: who pays? I am going to give it to you straight – while the girl might not want or let the guy pay ultimately, she at least expects him to offer. Otherwise, she is left wondering if he is even interested because she apparently is not worth the price of the meal. Yes, it is an antiquated formality, but the gesture is what counts. That being said, it is bluntly rude and presumptuous when a girl sits there and expects her date to pick up the tab. Another bizarre dynamic of the world of dating.

Throughout our lives we operate within this modern dichotomy, yet needless to say, hook-up culture predominantly belongs to the years of our youthful college exuberance, whereas dating and long-term relationships are a hallmark of adulthood, as we look to settle down with one person for life. During this time in our 20s, between college and wedlock, we transition and ultimately invert our priorities to focus almost exclusively on meaningful relationships. Living with a handful of roommates or alone, with limited free hours to meet people and few nights about town to do so, you naturally wish to start spending what spare time you do have with someone meaningful.

I’ll be frank, I still do not understand this foreign world of dating, and will be the first to acknowledge that learning and executing the norms of each romantic realm can be rough. Life after college may direct this shift, but we are still young and have the rest of our lives for long, serious commitments – we’ll figure it out eventually. Besides, what is the big rush?