Can You Hear the Bells?

Why is it that with increased frequency I hear: “well, I’m not going to marry the guy, so what’s the point?” As we progressively gain distance temporally from college, more and more twenty-somethings seem to weigh their relationships, and even first encounters, by whether or not it has marriage potential.

Sorry to be trite, but when did everyone’s clock start ticking? And at what point does the alarm go off? Can everyone please hit snooze?

An awkward truth to acknowledge, something changes after you graduate and are in the “real world” for a while. As we become more mature (for this purpose: “ma-tour”), we seek and value meaningful relationships in general, rather than blips to pass the time. In college, you were happy (and lucky!) if a budding interest lasted long enough to turn into a winter or spring formal date. Now, however, the question is a bit more serious.

It is practically an Olympic sport to meet new people, and we have little spare time aside from work hours, as I’ve talked about previously. Yet, more and more often at earlier stages of romantic escapades, I hear people say that crazy line that always is embarrassing yet bluntly honest: “well, it’s not like I’m going to marry the guy, so what’s the point?”

Marriage aside, having an inkling of serious potential with another is either there or its not. Period. For many people post-college – even if the chime of wedding bells is barely a discernable sound – the question of any sort of potential future looms ever-presently in their mind. Because otherwise, what is the point? These are not casual encounters to which I’m referring, but serious, or possibility becoming serious, relationships. Why spend a significant portion of your free time away from your friends and not meeting new people for something that you already know isn’t ever going anywhere?

All this being said, I fervently believe that to only think of the future while in the present, especially of a budding romance, places too much pressure on something that is probably not serious yet, and jinxes it. (I’m superstitious!) If something sparks, you have to run with it, not force it in a certain direction, and definitely not sit contemplating the future while your present slips away.

Finding a balance between pragmatism and romantic spontaneity is a key challenge to relationships. But nonetheless, that emphatic statement of my peers keeps reverberating in my mind: “It’s not like I’m going to marry the guy, so what’s the point?”

So Long, Summer

Yes, I am fully aware summer is just beginning, but really, hasn’t it permanently ended? These days, summer is only a reality if you make it that way. Endless days spent outside at camp are no longer handed to you, and internships sandwiched between weeks with no commitments fade into oblivion.

Life after college means working full time with little or no accrued vacation. If you want a summer, you have to fabricate one. It means capitalizing on each hour of a weekend, pushing yourself to go out one or two more nights a week than usual, and planning activities in the sun – conscientiously placing yourself into a mentality of summer. With the exception of the 4th of July, which thank you very much is a Sunday this year (naturally, I checked), there is little to celebrate and no sigh of relief at the end of finals – only nice weather that you may or may not be able to see from a window while sitting at your desk.

Summer vacation is tied exclusively to youth and down-the-road job permanence and clout; the former we are too old for, the latter is a good ways off. Retirement, anyone?

As we say so long to a literal summer as a several month vacation from reality and responsibility, we must bid hello to a new type of summer – a mental season – that is only as real, fun, relaxing, and full of time in the sun as we make it. So get crackin’!

The Catch-at-22

After graduating from college, from the time you are 22 to when you say “I do” – could not resist the rhyme – your challenge in terms of romantic interest is not merely meeting people but having each party find the time for one another. Because if you think about it – we all lead busy lives to varying degrees, and each person copes with it differently.

Between a full day of work and its resulting exhaustion Monday through Friday, trying to get in a decent gym session or run, going out with your friends, keeping in touch with your increasingly scattered social network, perhaps taking night classes for graduate school or entrance exams, all on top of wanting nothing more than to do nothing at all – when exactly are we supposed to squeeze in a date? What are you willing to sacrifice to make room for it? How do you evaluate whether this month’s interest is worth that seemingly invaluable time?

Here’s the catch-at-22 of how the war of winning someone’s leisure time plays out (or doesn’t):

You are really busy, so you treasure leisure time and try to make the most of it by prioritizing. In order for someone to win a spot in these limited free hours, a certain level of genuine interest must exist. However, you cannot ascertain your degree of interest without investing time in someone. But, you do not want to gamble and sacrifice your time for someone you aren’t sure is worth it.

So, what do you do?

The Pick-up Artist’s New Challenge

Ordinarily when going out on a Friday or Saturday night, your mission is to have fun with your crowd, blow off steam and meet people. Acquiring these new acquaintances is a game of tact – from the way you dress, how you carry yourself, being armed with witty one-liners, an up-beat energy, and whatever other personal tricks you use. Usually, we employ these devices in the pursuit of romantic interests – however, life after college pushes our pick-up artistry to a new dimension. Platonic friendship.

When you graduate from college, you leave behind built in social networks that you can tap into with ease. Meeting people in class, through a club, or in the Greek scene are friendship-catalysts of the past. You move to a city and into an apartment, knowing only the other people from your academic past that picked the same location and your co-workers – quickly understanding the historical dichotomy of isolation in an urban space.

Being social ceases to be a mere pastime and leisure activity – but now encompasses new responsibility and the need to champion new hurdles – making friends.

Perhaps at first glance this seems trivial. But think about who you know and consider to be a good friend – odds are that you met every one of them in high school, college, graduate school, at work, on an intramural team, or through one of these outlets.

To extend and expand your social network after you've finished school takes a great deal of effort – how do you make new friends – and good ones at that? It is not as though on a Friday night at a bar, you are going to walk up to a stranger and spin: “Hey there. You seem like a fun person, and I want to be your friend.” That is the epitome of awkward, and I’m embarrassed for you.

New friendships take effort, finesse, and looking in the right places. When a friend, friend of a friend or co-worker is having a party – go. Join an intramural team and grab drinks afterwards. A distant family acquaintance just moved here and knows few people? Take them under your wing, or at least give them a shot. A social situation with some sort of attendance-filter on it – such as a party thrown by even a distant acquaintance – completely changes the atmosphere, mood, and people’s willingness to be friendly to fellow partiers. Think about how you act and how you engage strangers at a house party versus at a club.

Let’s be honest. Making friends as a 20 something is not an easy accomplishment, but likely a gradual process that takes numerous casual encounters just to jumpstart. This is a far cry from when you were five and could walk up to any another bumbling infant, introduce yourself and ask if they want to be your friend. Bam! Done. Even have your parents to set up your play-date social calendar. Nearly foolproof at five, but not so much at twenty-five.

Developing platonic friendship is a tricky game, and mastery only comes if you can avoid being a complete creeper in the process. Transforming your social scene once in the real world is challenging, frustrating, and awkward – but just like new romantic pursuits – you have to create opportunities and be prepared to artfully use your bag of pick-up tricks to turn a stranger into a friend.

Wake Up and Smell the Rejection

If your rendez-vous is curtailed or flat out cancelled in the name of exhaustion, and there is no immediate post-slumber call, text or reschedule, wake up and realize that you are getting a courtesy, white-lie brush off.

Its simplicity makes it ingenious and bewildering – no one wants to believe it’s anything other than the absolute truth. It is an easy and indisputable go-to excuse. We all can commiserate with being exhausted and wanting nothing more than to curl up in bed. And besides, you don’t know the details of their week – maybe they legitimately need to pass out.

Odds are that genuine sleep-deprivation is the exception rather than the rule. The key indicator of the utterly-exhausted-but-sincerely-wants-to-see-you would be rescheduling for the near future when they could be functional and fun again.

Consider your own emotions. The way you automatically smile from simply getting a text from someone you like; the mystery and excitement of what another date will hold; and just that indescribable jolt of positive energy as a result of merely having someone that you are into and that is interested in you too.

Now, if you were tired – would you bail? Or would you suck it up, take a nap, drink coffee, or even just soar on natural, nervous- excited energy? If you are into someone, and especially if it is new, it is inconsequential if you’re sleepy because your desire to see the other person counteracts your drooping eyes.

So, if someone won’t overcome their mild to moderate fatigue to see you – snap out of your delusional coma and realize they aren’t into you.

The Pre-Date

As stories compile, it appears that there is a new trend in potential romances: the pre-date. Most people would define a true “first date” as lasting several hours, sharing some kind of meal, and maybe partaking in an activity as well. However, the majority of the time, the preliminary event is not a full-fledged date, but simply grabbing a drink or two. Sure, people call it a date for simplicity’s sake, but let’s be honest, it isn’t. It is a screening process.

The scene is casual, probably a weeknight, and although nerves may be high, pressure is low. It is a test run of how a traditional date would go – discerning if there exists some connection that is worth exploration and valuable time on a Friday or Saturday night.

The cost of the venture epitomizes its status as a precursor – there is no expectation about who pays because since it is not really a formal date, there is no dogma, and therefore no party can be offended at how monetary transactions play out. Of all the scenarios, the most likely is that one party buys the first round and the other the second, or each person simply covers his/her own.

Ultimately, the whole event is a feeler and a foundation – trying on someone in a context to see if it has potential. If it is a dud, nothing is lost but an hour or two on a weeknight that most likely would have been spent in front of the TV – and hey, at least you got that much needed after work beverage. Conversely, if there is intrigue, ease of conversation, and perhaps even a spark, then the first date gets a green light. You survived the preliminary trial, and you are ready to move onto the big leagues – an actual, full first date, which is its own ballgame with infinite rules. Game on.

A Different Kind of Freshman Fifteen

Over your first year of college, people pack on the notorious fifteen pounds due to bulk dining hall food, the sudden absence of year-round varsity sports, and stress. However, upon exiting college and starting anew in the real world, the main trend is the opposite – weight loss. The obvious reason is that the proportion of days of the week when you do and don’t drink reverses, and those gloriously terrible late night treats also decrease accordingly.

The freshly out of college desperately search for ways to fill the hours between work and sleep – escaping from reality TV and alleviating the restlessness caused by sitting at a desk all day. With notably fewer acquaintances around than in college, the easiest thing to do is go to the gym, step out for a run, or join an intramural team to meet people. We’re in great shape not just because we drink less, but simply have nothing else to do.